Arriving back from Hawaii, something was wrong. My insides were shaking and outside I had a crazy shivering going on. It went on for a few days but I was hoping it was just a climate change or perhaps something I picked up that would be gone in a day or two. I didn’t know it then, but an infection in my blood had somehow gotten into my body. The extreme shaking made my sweetheart call Health Link and after she explained the symptoms, they instructed her to get me to the hospital immediately.
It took three days and at least a dozen blood tests to identify that I was a sick man with an E coli infection in my blood. They hooked me up to an IV with bags of fluid and medication. There I lay, with nurses coming in and out of my room, checking my temperature and vitals constantly.
It’s what happened the first night in the hospital that rocked my world. It was around 4 am and I laid there wide awake. I rolled to the right and sat up looking out the 5th floor window of my hospital room. I saw hundreds of shimmering street lights dotting the sleeping city of Edmonton. I stared at all the lights and an old hymn came into my mind. I began to hum the chorus, “Let the lower lights be burning! Send a gleam across the wave! Some poor struggling fainting seaman you may rescue, you may save.” It’s such a beautiful hymn. I sat there humming that hymn as I gazed out my window. The song touched my heart and with my head hanging down I said, “Oh Lord, Oh God where are You?” The last couple years were painful; so full of hurt and despair! Discouragement and depression had taken residence in my once happy heart. My career was taken form me along with over a hundred wonderful long term clients who were at risk of losing their retirement funds! All because of one thief from the other side of the country! I couldn’t have meant truer words. “Oh Lord! Oh God, where are You?”
Then it happened! Sitting there in such despondency, I heard His voice! Loud and clear! He said, “I’m here. Jack, we’re all here”. I heard it and knew it was He; the voice, so kind, so gentle, so loving. I said, “Oh Lord, really?” “Yes, we are all here!” “Oh Lord, that is so wonderful! Thank you!” I sat in wonderment and continued to ask Him, “Lord, even the last couple years?” (It will always amaze me how when we are going through a crisis, that the enemy wants us to believe we are going through it alone.) So, I asked the Lord, “Were You here the last couple years?” His answer was, “Yes, and I’ve been with you since the beginning.” I remember how wonderful it was to hear such beautiful words. The Bible tells us, ‘He will never leave us nor forsake us’, but that moment was something so special; even as I write this, it’s like it just happened.
I was still sitting at the side of my hospital bed. I asked the Lord if I could ask Him a question and He said, “Of course”. I knew the question I wanted to ask so I did. I said, “Lord, could I ask you to take my life tonight. I don’t want to live any longer! The pain is too great! So many people have been hurt and I don’t want to live any more Lord!” He looked at me with such love and concern. His hands that were resting on this huge throne, now were moving. I saw His white robes begin to move as He stood up from His throne. He took in a huge breath and said, “Noooooo!” I felt His breath go past my face. He wasn’t playing around. He was serious! I didn’t know what to say except, “Why?” I don’t remember His specific words, except that He wasn’t done with me. He had a plan for my life that was being worked out. He wasn’t mad at me. His look and His voice melted my heart. I truly wanted to be a godly man: a man of faith: a man who loved God and wanted more than anything to be a part of His army. I thought of Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
I asked the Lord, “Lord, why am I so fearful?” He said, “Jack, as long as you fear man, fear will reign in your heart. Fearing man brings terror, despair, discouragement, hopelessness and death. Fearing God brings life and safety.” I remembered Proverbs 29:25 “The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.”
By now I was wiping my tears. I knew I was in the audience of One who loved me! One who cared for me and who knew what I was going through. I continued asking Him questions and we had such amazing discussions all the way till about 8 am. There wasn’t a question I couldn’t ask. Why are people so sarcastic? What about my kids? What about my grandkids? It was so so wonderful and I truly thank God for this amazing experience.
About that time Bev walked into the room and saw my teary eyes. I told her all that had happened and we just hugged each other knowing that God was with us during these terrible circumstances!
It’s what He showed me the next night that was almost unbelievable!